Swine Flu: Vegetarians Will Laugh Last vs. Smarten Up, Swine Flu

It’s entirely possible that pigs with pre-school level intelligence made this whole thing up.

JILLIAN LOVEJOY LOWERY: Well it’s about time that pigs finally stood up on their own four hooves and taught the omnivores who’s boss – and what sweeter revenge than infecting and killing the very people who feasted on the flesh of their ancestors? Who needs slaughterhouses or factory farms when you can get at people anywhere – their homes, their offices, their favorite restaurants? Plus, it solves that pesky problem of transportation. Everyone knows that while pigs CAN orchestrate pandemics, they cannot drive trucks.

As I cited in another article I wrote for the humor section of The Perpetual Post, pigs are very smart. PETA says so. They tell me that they have the cognitive ability of a three-year-old. And I know what you’re thinking: no toddler could ever have come up with H1N1. But you’re wrong. Have you ever know anyone whose children are in a daycare? Illness travels like lightening in those places; germs are passed back and forth and back again – everyone is constantly sick. Therefore, it’s entirely possible that pigs with pre-school level intelligence made this whole thing up.

My husband is something of a germophobe, and he is all up in arms about the H1N1. He gets nervous when I leave the house, tells me to avoid physical contact with friends and acquaintances. I think he’s being overly cautious, and not just because the mass hysteria seems to be dying down. No, I know that the residents of my house are safe, because we’re vegetarians. Pigs don’t die on our watch, so they’ll make sure that their pestilence passes us over. Thanks, pigs! And good luck with your master plan!

This isn’t rocket science, it’s influenza!

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Swine flu, you are all over the map here! Your public relations team is doing a terrible job. Your image needs some serious work—and you need a clear message. You’ve also got to stick to your talking points and stay on target. This isn’t rocket science, it’s influenza! Work with me here.

You started in Mexico, Swine Flu, and you really got going there, I’ll give you that. You built a strong groundwork and created the momentum to sustain quite a campaign. But your sloppiness began almost immediately thereafter—as evinced by a number of tiny, insignificant one-person outbreaks in far-flung places across the United States and eventually the globe. One confirmed infection in Hong Kong, one in Sweden, four in France—really? That’s the best you can do? You call yourself a pandemic? Not even close Swine Flu, and I’ll tell you your problem: You’re still thinking like an epidemic.

You got a foothold in New York, it’s true—your numbers are strong there, and they’re growing. I’m glad you understand the importance of getting your name out there in well-populated, panicky liberal areas. But you have to remember, those folks are also generally well-educated, and they learn quickly, which is not to your benefit. You should really start branching out to some more rural areas—places where a little suspicion and fear go a long way.

The name change, too—whose idea was that? Right in the middle of your launch into the realm of international recognition and fame—you swap the rock star moniker of “Swine Flu” for the deadly-dull and ultra-forgettable handle “H1N1”?! Really– what were you thinking? What was going through your mind when you decided to play the new-name game? You’re not Prince! You’re not even John Cougar Mellencamp! I’m telling you, switching up a classic, ominous name like Swine Flu for a letter/number combination—it’s crippled the rising careers of even bigger and deadlier viruses in their heydays. I would have fired my agent right then and there for even allowing me to consider the idea.

So here’s what we do, toots. We’ve got to get you back on track. I’m thinking a guest-star appearance or two. Strike down someone famous—but not too likeable; you want to keep public sympathy on your side. I’m thinking Kathy Griffin, or one of the Baldwin brothers. Keep working hard, keep your focus sharp, and you could be back on track in no time. Believe me, H1N1—you’re a real workhorse. And you’re going places.

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