Humor
The Seven-Week Itch
The following is a reader-submitted orphaned opinion.
CARE TO WEIGH IN WITH A COUNTERPOINT? SIGN IN AND WEIGH IN NOW!
JOHN CHRISTIAN HOPKINS: Sara and I are in our seventh week of marriage, and I’m sure many people are wondering…
In Briefs: Squid Porn
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: May I request that the BBC screen their news articles, so that I don’t have to read a headline like this:
“The mating habits of deep-sea squid have been revealed for the first time, after the discovery of a male squid with a huge elongated and erect penis.”
…before 9am?
Please, BBC. Please, no.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8792000/8792008.stm
AKIE BERMISS: they use their huge penis to shoot out packages of sperm
well that’s pretty much my morning.
Mishaps with Fire: Try This At Home
DAVE TOMAR: I’m not sure what it is about boyhood and fire. Perhaps it’s the promethean impulse toward creation. Perhaps it’s the sentiment of occasion and celebration first inspired by a birthday candle, a fireworks display or a citronella torch on Labor Day. Perhaps it’s the joy of holding a force of such sheer, unimaginable destruction in the palm of one’s hands. For me, it was that very special episode of Webster when he burnt his parents’ house down while playing with safety matches.
AKIE BERMISS: My trouble with fire is that I am practically always playing with it. Cigars — I love ‘em. I smoke ‘em. And there is no better solace after a long night’s gigging that drinking some stale gas-station coffee and smoking my cigar on the drives back to Brooklyn. Some of the drives, you see, are pretty late and pretty long and its rare that there’s anyone to talk to. I used to hook up my blue-tooth and just call anyone I thought might be awake and get them talking, but these days its not as cute as it used to be. People hang up. So its just me. And the road and the darkness. Usually, I light up and I turn on NPR (if I can get it) and I hit the road. But see the thing about cigars is: they’re big. A cigarette is easy to light. You almost don’t need a flame as a really strong spark will probably do the trick. Cigars, on the other hand, they take some real fire to get started. Really its just a barely-controlled micro-blaze.
And its alarming close to one’s mouth.
In Briefs: Bacon
ZOE RICE: Different topic, but one involving a former favorite topic of… I think it was Ted? Bacon. Colored bacon, specifically. Bacon art?
http://bacontoday.com/colored-bacon/
By the way I think bacon is one of the most overrated foods out there.
HOWARD MEGDAL:When Ted reads what you wrote, you are going to be in trouble.
AKIE BERMISS: I saw the colored bacon thing. It looks gross. However, let me be the vanguard of those who defend bacon, but Marc Antony style (I come to bury bacon, not to praise it).
Best Friends: Magnificient? Or Menace?
AKIE BERMISS: Say what you will about sex, drugs, money and fame — I think the greatest currency on the planet is friendship. You can’t get no where with out the stout support of your friends. Even horrible, psychotic criminals and terrorists have friends. People that they confide in, spend time with, and depend on. I guess in broad sense that could include quite a few people, but I think most of us have a discreet upper echelon of friends for whom all things are forgivable and with whom all things are better enjoyed. Those are our friends. Our good friends.
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: I was frankly terrified by the recent New York Times article which discussed ways in which parents and teachers are encouraging their children to be friends with “everyone” rather than having one particular best friend.
In Briefs: Pillow Smothering and Employment
HOWARD MEGDAL: After further review?!?
http://www.newsobserver.com/2010/06/09/522050/cherry-worker-fired-after-further.html
MATTHEW DAVID BROZIK: Further review was necessary because the hospital disciplinary board was unable to understand the muffled testimony of the patient victims at first… due to the presence of pillows over their mouths.
In Briefs: Too Sexy for Banking?
JILLIAN LOWERY: Too hot for banking? Fashion in the workplace? http://www.villagevoice.com/2010-06-01/news/is-this-woman-too-hot-to-work-in-a-bank
TED BERG: For what it’s worth, she is really hot, and I’m pretty certain flirting with her would be a lot more rewarding than anything else that happens while working at Citibank, provided she would laugh at even one of my jokes.
Sleeping Babies
HOWARD MEGDAL: Hey you. Yes, you. The one who came to visit my baby, saw that my baby is asleep, and started surreptitiously speaking loudly while glancing over at my baby, hoping that your shrill, unwelcome voice will wake her so you can see what her eyes look like.
Her eyes are beautiful. But she’s a baby. She needs sleep. So shut the hell up.
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Congratulations on that new baby—what a blessing! I truly couldn’t be happier for you. I look forward to visiting you and meeting your lovely new addition. I only ask that that when I do visit, you make sure your precious miracle is awake when I get there. You don’t have to dress it up fancy or anything; just poke it to get it to open its eyes. As I’m sure you’ve realized in the last couple of weeks, sleeping babies are pretty boring, especially to visitors.
Sex for Procreation
HOWARD MEGDAL: I can’t think of a single person whose sexual habits will change as a result of greater results with in-vitro fertilization.
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Guess what, everyone! We’re like cows! At least when it comes to baby-making, obviously. This is according to a veterinarian in Australia, Dr. Yovich, who has published a study in the Journal of Reproductive BioMedicine.
In Briefs: Sports Hold Music
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: For everyone’s information, if you call Yankee Stadium to order tickets, while you are on hold, they play radio footage from games when the Yankees beat other teams.
STEPHON JOHNSON: I forgot that the Yanks do that. I remember attempting to get in touch with their media relations office and hearing Aaron Boone and Tino Martinez highlights.