Category Archives: Humor

In Briefs: Punxatawny Phil vs. Paul the Octopus


HOWARD MEGDAL Punxatawney Phil or Paul the World Cup-predicting Octopus- which psychic animal do you choose? I will write in support of the great, Sandy Koufax-like career of Paul.

AKIE BERMISS Is it really Punxatawney Phil…

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In Briefs: French Knighthood

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: They knighted Salma Hayek. You know, like how you do.

AKIE BERMISS: It has always been my secret desire to get a knight hood from some ancient white-country. And put something like “sir” on my checks or my debit card. would be fun. Of course, Salma Hayek HAS done great things for France. She totally deserves this award. But seriously, how does the title of Chevalier not become an utter joke now? Continue reading

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The Quikster Reversal

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Hats off to you, Reed Hastings, for allowing me a glimpse into a future world where CEOs make bizarre decisions without really thinking ahead—including blasting poorly thought-out “I’m Sowwy” email to a million subscribers at once.

HOWARD MEGDAL: Unlike Molly, I applaud Netflix’s CEO for adding himself to a long line of those famous for drawing a line in the sand, and quickly erasing that line. Continue reading

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More Vital Skill: Making Coffee vs. Using Excel

EMILY SAIDEL: A good night’s sleep can usually balance the need for coffee. But the ability to mail merge or to perform a regression. Priceless.

HOWARD MEGDAL: I take strong exception to the idea that Excel skills are more important than knowing how to make coffee. Continue reading

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Bert And Ernie: Marriage Material?

AKIE BERMISS: My position on same-sex marriage has — I’m proud to say — been the same for over 20 years. Even an eight year-old armed with basic 2nd Grade logic can tell you that if marriage is a taken alone as a state of legality of two persons AND that if two persons of the same gender being together isn’t illegal THAT same-sex marriage is a no-brainer as far as legality goes. Sure, there are some messy issues where religious faiths are concerned but, even being brought up Baptist I never understood why faithful people have so little strength of character that they feel people doing things differently from them is an assault on their beliefs. I never felt that two men getting married in my country was somehow a denigration of the institution of marriage. After all, marriage is not simply a matter of religious belief, but also legal status. Some people go in for both. Some do not. And there can be no question, to my mind, in a country founded on liberty and intellectual freedom (among other things) as to whether or not same-sex marriage should be legal. And, as such, I agree that it is quite possibly the defining civil rights legacy of the current era.

That said, there are times when even an honest and noble platform can be taken too far.

HOWARD MEGDAL: Like a set of parents determined to inflict a chocolate fountain on helpless guests, those who share my view that same-sex marriage should be the law of the land have nevertheless gone too far by proposing that Bert and Ernie marry. I feel this way not because I oppose their union, or because I think it is silly for puppets to marry.

I object because no one has asked them if they even want to. Continue reading

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Kim Kardashian Lawsuit

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: I am concerned about the precedent set by the historic Female Employees vs. Walmart lawsuit, which was recently thrown out of court for being too big to move forward. You see, that lawsuit was but a fraction of the size of the countersuit that I am currently assembling: Pretty Much All of Us vs. Kim Kardashian.

AKIE BERMISS: I agree with Molly whole-heartedly. I’ve signed on as a plantiff: Kim Kardashian makes my blood boil. But not in the sex-crazed dude way that everyone is still convinced she must. Rather, I find her a trying on-television celebrity. Too right, Molly, she has no discernible talent. And, honestly, no discernible skill. As long as what is discernible is the reality at hand, I think we have a water-tight case.

Continue reading

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Hitler’s Citizenship Revoked

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: I was a little surprised to read that the town of Braunau am Inn in Austria, which is widely considered to be Hitler’s hometown, had recently revoked his honorary citizenship. Certainly I can appreciate the town’s wishing to distance itself from Hitler (although why it waited until now to do so is unclear, unless they have just been really backed up on town business for the last few decades).

HOWARD MEGDAL: Frankly, Molly, I’m surprised to hear you oppose such a solid public policy choice, one that offers only moral upside and comfort to a town’s citizens, while merely exposing Branau to a missed tourism opportunity. Continue reading

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In Briefs: Non-Alcoholic Wine

JESSICA BADER: So, I was making my once-every-couple-of-months trip to Food Emporium (pfft, keeping food in the fridge is for non-New Yorkers) to stock up on seltzer, and they had this whole big display of non-alcoholic wine. Isn’t that just…grape juice? The whole point of wine is that it doesn’t start to taste good until the second glass, because by then you’re buzzed from the first glass. Right?

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Jessica, I hear you – my solution to the Wine Problem is that I only drink wine that tastes more like juice than anything else: Chardonnays, Rieslings, Pinot Grigio for white, Cabernets and Pinot Noirs for reds. I don’t like dry wine. I want my wine to taste as close to a Capri Sun as possible, so I was thrilled when rose wines started coming into style, even if it was ironically. Continue reading

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In Briefs: A Baby Story

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: There are nine hundred giant flat-screen televisions at my gym, and most of them seem to be on TLC. Can anyone explain to me the appeal of shows that follow a couple through their pregnancy to the birth of their baby and then the first few weeks after that? It’s like a boring home movie of someone I don’t know. What the helly hell?

CHRIS PUMMER: Been there. Done that shit. Twice now. I’m finished with it now, thanks.
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In Briefs: Robots Vs. Zombies

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: So, robots have been developing a language to talk to each other in. It’s been nice knowing all of you:

CHRIS PUMMER: Having seen The Terminator, this is something I was afraid of when I bought a Roomba.

AKIE BERMISS: i don’t care about machines talking to each other. that’s cool. they probably won’t gang up on us until they are able to talk to *us* and see how lame and petty we are. then: its on.
Continue reading

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