Tag Archives: Darwin

Sperm Banks

TED BERG: I’m not going to lie: I’ve always been a bit intrigued by sperm banks. I mean, they pay you… for that?

Apparently. And I’m not sure exactly what the qualifications are, nor whether I meet them, but I can guarantee you this much: I’ve got no ethical hangups about the ramifications of donating my seed to a sperm bank. Zero. I’m no Kirk Maxey.

DAVE TOMAR: I admit, the idea of a super-army of Ted Bergs is extremely compelling. I guess I’m just worried that my inbred mutant progeny could be exploited for the purposes of evil. I’m pretty sure that’s how they make Mouseketeers. There are like 60 Jonas Brothers and they just replace them whenever one gets ugly, overdoses on Meth or runs off to join a Satanic cult. I wouldn’t want my genetic stamp on that kind of putrescent human misery. Continue reading

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MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Monogamy is unrealistic! People need variety! Life is like a sexy salad bar. We get sick of hard boiled eggs after awhile—we want to try carrots.

AKIE BERMISS: Gentlemen, it is a fine cause to take up the argument against monogamy. I understand, I dig it, I commiserate: I’m with you. But, also, I don’t really think there’s much of an argument there. Well, I think its important that I state, out front, that I am a one-woman man. That is, I’ve never really gone in for polygamy. As a matter of personal taste. I can hardly keep up with one person in a romantic or sexual context, let alone several. Continue reading

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