Brewer’s Debate: Illegal Immigrants’ Fault?

HOWARD MEGDAL: The disastrous impact of illegal immigrants on this country- managing to birth anchor babies on day trips into the country, terror babies who will wreak havoc on the country’s security around, say, 2035, and keep on putting money into Social Security they have no hope of ever collecting- without remorse- has claimed another victim.

Jan Brewer, governor of Arizona, was rendered speechless during a debate opening statement last week, just months after signing SB 1070 into law, the statute that has drawn so much fire across the country due to a little abridgment of basic rights. Is there any doubt who is to blame? Connect the dots, people.

After all, it is inconceivable that a public official and candidate for statewide office would be struck by a combination of utterly jaw-dropping lack of rhetorical skill and an utterly empty record, save, of course, SB 1070. No major party would nominate such a person.

Nefarious plots are obviously at hand. Why else would illegal immigrants have prompted Brewer to complain about beheadings all over Arizona, then cleverly tripped her up by not, in fact, beheading anyone, making her seem paranoid and crazy? Wrap your mind around that one! Must be all that sneaking into the best-in-the-world American schools.

At this rate, it will soon be impossible for incompetents who demagogue the immigration issue to get elected governor anywhere in the country. It’s downright un-American, I tell you.

DANI ALEXIS RYSKAMP: Accusing illegal immigrants of sabotaging Jan Brewer’s reelection bid is just going too far. They’re obviously too busy doing other things. Think about it: your average illegal immigrant picks lettuce all day, gives birth to one anchor baby while training another in the nuances of terrorist activity, takes up several ER beds for minor complaints, sneaks a few cartons of Camels into Guadalajara, AND gets beheaded in the desert, yet still finds time to bus your table and drive a cab while refusing to speak America’s Official Language(TM).

In fact, the real problem with illegal immigrants is that they haven’t found time in their busy, highly overpaid schedules to sabotage Jan Brewer. Especially since it turns out they’re not really doing all that beheading or being-beheaded. That’s got to clear up at least two hours in their busy days, right? So why are they filling those hours with slaughtering cattle at sub-minimum wage?

If our illegal immigrants truly loved the United States of America, they would take off our hands the one job no True American(TM) wants. I refer, of course, to thinning out America’s ranks of political squawking heads.

We don’t want to toss incompetent demagogues out on their ears; their thousand-dollar suits might soil our hands. Leave that work to the illegal immigrants. After all, illegal immigrants don’t speak English and Jan Brewer doesn’t speak sense, so they’re practically made for one another! They’ll even toss out our political garbage on overtime, without pay – just like we make them do at Wal-Mart.