The Merits of Pears

CHRIS PUMMER: I don’t want to offend anyone, but I think pears are one of the shittiest fruits that are widely available at the supermarket. They suck and I don’t like eating them.

The skin usually feels gritty against your teeth, and the flesh is grainy. As far as flavor, they’re like overly sweet apples with none of an apple’s bite.

The flesh is also not as sweet or satisfyingly soft and juicy as a peach or nectarine.

Even the plum has it over on these fucking things.

Fuck pears.

AKIE BERMISS: I also hate pears.  But i love when pear juice gets added to things.  That’s probably weird, but there’s something in its not-so-great flavor that intrigues me.

TED BERG: You couldn’t be any more wrong. Pears are fucking delicious. There should be more pear-flavored shit.

ZOË RICE: The king of the pear is the Harry and David. Oh my God it’s like biting into the nectar of the Gods. I used to request them in college from mom and dad instead of cake. What’s that? You wanna go shouting your cake rhetoric to me? I take Harry and David pears over cake any day. Over pie, I’d have to think it over.

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Chris, Zoe is right. Harry & David’s pears are like nothing else on earth. It is like biting into a piece of fruit heaven.  They’re not even peary — they’re like this amazing unaffiliated fruity piece of incredible deliciousness. We used to get a box of Harry & David pears every year at Christmas from my elderly aunt, and when she died, I cried for the pears.

CHRIS PUMMER: I’ve eaten a Harry & David pear. It was pretty good.

The problem is that the pears you find in the grocery store are NOT AT ALL LIKE THAT.

The H&D pears are pretty boy pears compared to the roughneck variety that qualify as the best among the stack of rejects you’ll find at the supermarket.

Not to go all Joe Sixpack on this, but I don’t go for my fruit being socially stratified like that. Give me some goddamn grapes instead. Or a nice working class apple. Something exotic? Mangoes and pineapples are fine. And I love kiwis. And berries. And cherries. Nothing that’s going to set me back more than $3 per pound.

EMILY SAIDEL: Chris, you have got to be eating the wrong pears. Are you eating bosc, bartlett, anjous? Asian pears (which are close to apples)? The ones from Harry and David are probably comices, but I don’t know without seeing them.

I celebrate the great variety of  fruit.

CHRIS PUMMER: They’re all the wrong pears, in my opinion.

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