Valentine’s Day in Review
HOWARD MEGDAL: Let’s start off with the clear premise of the day. You have a partner, a spouse, someone you rely on in a myriad of emotional and other ways. And Valentine’s Day is a single day to show it.
This is problematic to begin with, as it plays out. People expect this one day to make up for the other 364.
For the partner intent on doing this, might it be worth taking a step back and evaluating just how foolish it is to vigorously declare your love through card and treasure, rather than doing so in a comprehensive way during the year? And for the partner who expects his/her significant other to jump through just the right hoops on that day, wouldn’t it make more sense to communicate how you feel ignored during the other, non-sanctioned days of the year?
Honestly, if I were in a relationship where my partner made a big show of her love for me on just February 14, I’d be even more upset. It is proof that such a sentiment is possible. Where is it the other days? If she didn’t come through on Valentine’s Day, that would be different- perhaps she isn’t capable.
Let’s put it another way. Occasionally my cat goes to the bathroom in my suitcase. I don’t get upset, because he doesn’t know better. But if my wife did it…
So while I celebrated Valentine’s Day to the hilt, it was because I didn’t feel the need to make up for months of neglect, and neither did my wife. Pulling out all the stops was fun, precisely because neither of us felt like we had to do so. My suspicion, based on other anecdotes, is that this is not the rule for the day. And that’s a shame.
AKIE BERMISS: I’ve never been a big fan of Valentines day. I’ve mistrusted the holiday since I was in small clothes. I like chocolates and flowers and rhyming poems — but a whole holiday centered around the pretense of spreading love? Sounds lame. Thing is, I like chocolates and flowers and sentimental doggerel any day of the year. There’s always room for more chocolate and poetry. And flowers are flowers — who doesn’t like flowers? I’m allergic to pollen — and I still love them.
But I hate Valentine’s Day.
There’s nothing more pathetic than a nationally recognized holiday that is some what arbitrarily celebrated for being a day of love. Why is it that we pack so much meaning in to this little day as if it truly were the equivalent of some high holy day? There’s nothing special about the 14th of February. It passes by every year. Sometimes its cold, sometimes its warm. The sun shines as it always does. Or, perhaps, it rains. Who knows? Who cares? It just a random day — the 14th of February. Unlike other modern, non-religious holidays (like Thanksgiving and Martin Luther King Day) that fall on a particular day in the year that allows it to be a real holiday (third Thursday in November or the third Monday in January or some such thing), Valentine’s Day is on the 14th, where ever it falls. So sometimes its a Monday, sometimes its a Wednesday — sometimes a Sunday. Do you get the day off from work if it falls during the week? Nope. Do you still have pretend its a special day? Yes. Still have to somehow arrange for flowers or candies or get your quatrains together? And if it falls on the weekend then we get a break and you can make a day of it, I suppose.
But my beef with Valentine’s Day is not simply ideological — its personal: I’m a musician.
Yes, I play music for a living. Yes: weddings, funerals, birthdays, anniversaries, baby showers — the list goes on and on. I’m a victim of the season. When its Christmastime — I have to know about 50 or 60 Christmas songs for any gig that falls around the 25th of December. In Easter, I bone up on my religious repertoire and my folk songs. MLK day — negro spirituals. The 4th of July — how much Souza do YOU know? And on Valentine’s Day its all about the love songs. And we do the gigs with the low-lighting and the candles. We dedicate songs to old loves. I get more requests than your would think possible from my close friends requesting private serenades for the significant others. There’s no rest of the weary!
Sure — I want to work and its good to be in high demand. But there’s a limit to how much is humanly possible. While at Christmas we’re assailed on all sides by secular-style holiday music, Valentine’s day is the day when people WANT to be assailed by music. Apparently its a crucial ingredient for “making love.” And so we get slammed with requests. I probably get more requests for My Funny Valentine in early February than I do all year long. In fact, all through the year people ask me NOT to play My Funny Valentine. But come February — don’t be surprised if you find yourself playing it three or four times a night.
Its not like I don’t dig love songs. Its arguable that most songs are love songs. If there’s one thing everyone wants to sing about: its love. I just don’t understand why its has to be concentrated into this one day a year. Surely there’s a reason to sing about love every day. Any day! Its almost a betrayal to pretend that there’s some more vital urgency to love come February. If we can all now begin to admit that Christmas (that big holiday of holidays) has really become more of a retail holiday than a meaningful religious or cultural one these days — then ought we not admit that Valentine’s Day is even more vapid and cynical? Can’t we see all the big, misanthropic executives laughing it up on their private jets while we foolish consumers proceed to horde up all the candy, cards, lingerie, and colognes we can get our hands on? They have stopped even trying in Hollywood. This year’s big February romantic comedy was called, “Valentine’s Day.” Really?
I don’t want to seem like a big Valentine’s Day scrooge. But, well, maybe I am! I’ve decided that I am going to boycott Valentine’s Day from now on (this should lead to some difficulties down the road). No more flowers. No more candies. No more sexy stanzas for my significant other. I’m just taking the day off. I’m signing out. I’m going to spend the day watching paint dry. I’d rather do that than have to sit through one more awkward Valentine’s Day dinner ignoring my partner and feeling bad for all the other awkward diners fumbling their ways through affected affection. There’s truly got to be something more than all that.
EMILY SAIDEL: In the weeks leading up to February 14th, mass entertainment media adopts two contradictory discourses about Valentine’s Day. There is the sentimental message of the chocolate, card, and diamond industries that says, “This is a day to recognize someone special in your life.” Then there are the counter messages of TV shows, blogs, and romantic discontents proclaiming, “This is a holiday made by the card industry. You don’t need another person to make you happy.” As woman who is susceptible to both schmaltz and feminist persuasion, every year, partnered or not, I acutely feel the tension between these two messages.
On the one hand, a demonstration of affection is always welcome. Whether one prefers the more standardized chocolates and flowers or less traditional tokens such as a video game, a maid service, or a dual blender/food processor, Valentine’s Day can serve as a gift giving occasion, perhaps to make up for misses from the December holiday season.
On the other hand, does formalized, commodified ritual undermine or impinge on the authenticity of the expression? That seems to be the interpretation by many who criticize the holiday. Why should the motivation for that recognition of love be a day on the calendar rather than a spontaneous impulse? Does sharing the day with couples across the country cheapen the experience? The difficulty with that approach is that Valentine’s Day does not exclude or preclude affection on other days. It even offers the opportunity for those more hesitant about expressing their emotions a model from which to start.
The objection that seems to hold the most weight is one of expectation. That these media models create uneven expectations between partners. Perhaps then, the best gift for Valentine’s Day is one of communication–to use the day as an opportunity to tell your partner out loud about a desire for recognition and an event, a desire for a laid-back approach, or a desire of a bawdier nature, rather than expecting telepathic knowledge. A flagrant demonstration of purchasing power can be an appropriate dynamic, if the people involved are in agreement that it is appropriate. Just as appropriate would be to ignore it, if both people express that want.
Communication is a gift even those not in a romantic relationship an embrace. A day on the calendar shouldn’t be needed to tell a friend, a parent, or a child that they are loved, but those words of affection often fall by the wayside in everyday life. Valentine’s Day offers a formal opportunity to be in touch with those one cares about–what could be bad about that?