Electronic Cigarettes

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Smoking is bad, smoking is gross, smoking kills. We’ve had those words drummed into us so often that they’ve almost lost all meaning. Anti-smoking campaigns abound—they’re smart, edgy, profound. The statistics they provide are sobering—increased heart disease, cancer, stroke. But getting people to stop smoking has been a long and difficult path—and part of the reason is because it’s become so deeply ingrained in our culture. Smokers take breaks together, share lighters, bum cigarettes. There’s also no denying that smoking, as stinky and unappealing as it is for nonsmokers, looks so damn COOL! If only it were a little more awkward; if only it weren’t associated in movies and on TV with cowboys, rock stars, rebels, and sophisticates. I am vehemently anti-smoking, but even I have to admit that pictures of James Dean with a cigarette dangling from his lips are striking and sexy in part because of the wreath of smoke curled around his face.

People who want to quit smoking have many aides to choose from—nicotine patches, gum, hypnosis, therapy. But none of those actually work as actual surrogate cigarettes—until now. Now we have the newfangled ‘Electronic Cigarette’—a cigarette-like device which allows users to mimic the act of smoking.

But this device’s day has not yet come. It has yet to catch on, even with smokers who are trying desperately to quit. This might be in part because the concept is so ridiculous. How could an electronic device ever replace the heady, organic pleasure found in the glowing embers of actual burning paper and tobacco? Whatever false sensation the electronic cigarette offers, how can it possibly compare to the act of actual smoking?

Well, it can’t. But at least it’s something—maybe even a step in the right direction. New anti-smoking ads tout the benefits of training yourself to learn how to do every day activities without a cigarette in your hand, so the act of holding a cigarette is clearly an integral part of the whole experience. Perhaps this beta version of the electronic cigarette is just an early prototype, but unless it catches on, it will be the only version there is.

So, how to make it catch on? Well, it needs to become cool. This seems like a tall order, but look at pegged jeans, look at soul patches; look at the Snuggie. We regularly embrace all sorts of ridiculous fads and trends if enough of the right people are seen supporting them. So it’s time for rock stars, rappers, porn stars, actors, politicians—very public smokers who lead very public lives—to embrace the electronic cigarette. It needs to become a badge of honor—after all, quitting smoking is hard, and if you’re seen publicly struggling to quit; looking all broody and angsty with your glass of whiskey and your electronic cigarette clenched between your teeth, you’re sure to earn some sympathy points.

The second part is, it has to stop trying to look like an actual cigarette. Electronic cigarette, you are so clearly not actually burning. You are not a real cigarette. Stop trying to be unobtrusive and realistic looking. Let’s add some color to those things and make them bold! Give them psychedelic patterns; make them hot pink, day-glo orange; make them shiny silver and gold. If the electronic cigarette stops trying to be a real cigarette and becomes its own entity, it’ll be a step closer to gaining acceptance and favor. Nobody wants to look like they’re trying to look like a smoker—let them instead look like they’re trying NOT to be a smoker. Electronic cigarette, be proud of what you are. After all, your little electric heart is in the right place.

HOWARD MEGDAL: While I am against the electronic cigarettes Molly mentions above, let me be clear: I am even more wholeheartedly against what I though e-cigarettes were prior to researching this article, which is paying of real money for virtual cigarettes, either in jpg form or smoked in some kind of Second Life/The Sims kind of way.

This is obviously a huge waste of money. In general, I find it ridiculous that anyone would spend actual currency on something that can only be cyberspatially enjoyed. But I suppose I thought that the judgment of anyone who decides to start smoking in the face of overwhelming evidence that it will kill you is probably capable enough of making ill-advised choices to buy a high-res Marlboro.

That said, there are indisputably advantages to buying my version of e-cigarettes. If the choice is between those and actual cigarettes, my version contains no nicotine or tobacco. The price point, since the product is pretend, can be set at a reasonable discount from the real thing, and the favored political choice of taxing cigarettes likely wouldn’t apply.

The argument for real cigarettes is a combination of the tangible calm one apparently gets from smoking, and that it is practically impossible to get a computer virus from smoking a real cigarette. Lung cancer, sure. But not a computer virus.

All in all, though, there have to be better ways to spend your money than on either cigarettes, e-cigarettes, or jpgs of cigarettes. At the end of the day, I must say that I am opposed to all three.

AKIE BERMISS: I smoke cigars. I have a habit. Some would call it a bad habit. In fact, everybody calls it a bad habit. And I don’t mind. I don’t go down to the bar and slap the sugary cocktails out of their mouths and they don’t come to my house (while I’m watching Glee) and knock the cigar out of mine. To each their own, I say. We all have our vices: smoking, drinking, television, pornography. Not horrible things that ruin the lives of those around like (like, say, a fetish for public indoor urinating) but the things we love to enjoy in the privacy of our private places. Vices are usually bad or bad for you, or considered bad form. Fair enough. As well they should be.

And so, on principle, I’m adamantly against this new cigarette fad. A new, non-lethal way to smoke?  In what way is this even remotely a good thing?  If there are no consequences for bad habits, how are we supposed to know they are bad?!  You smoke too much, you smell. You’re teeth get yellow. You die. Drink too much coffee?  Your breath stinks, your eyes go bloodshot, you don’t sleep. Eat too much ice cream and candy?  You get fat, you break out, no one will sleep with you. And yes, you follow the logic and you discover I’m against diet drinks, low-fat desserts, and decaf coffee. Man up, I say. Own your failings!Be the master of your own demise!!

Don’t smoke an electronic placebo for crap-sake!  That’s not how the Universe intended it to be!  I don’t like this brave new world where vices no longer have any bad side-effects.  Where you can drink synthetic beer all day and there’s no fat and no nothing.  So what will you do then?  Yes, that’s right!  You’ll drink beer all day.  Everywhere.  They’ll put vitamins in it — it’ll be GOOD for you.  You have beer for breakfast.  Beer with your cereal.  Babies will drink beer from the bottle!  And it’ll be the same with cigarettes.  Where once you had to make a conscious decision (whether stupidly or otherwise) to put yourself at risk in order to look cool.  Now you can smoke all day long and nothing bad will ever happen.  You stay healthy, the people around you are healthy, and all is well.  So what will you do?  That’s right: you’ll smoke cigarettes all day long.  You’ll never stop.  There will be no reason for an age limit.  Your  seven-year-old kid won’t shut up during your programs — give it a cigarette and let it blow smoke rings will it falls asleep.  There’s no reason not to do it.  Its safer than candy!  These electronic cigarettes use water vapor.  Water vapor!  You’ll finally be able to get your kids to drink water (sort of!)

No sir, I don’t like it.  Every vice has a price.  You succor, you suffer.  I could do this all day long — I believe in it strongly!  And there’s no reason not to.  There no consequences for making crappy rhyming slogans that impart vapid pseudo-wisdom in short, sweet doses.  It doesn’t really hurt anyone.  It may suck to read — but it won’t kill you, will it?!  Guess what?  Yes, indeed — I do it all day long.  See?  The result of having no dire consequences for my actions.  And now I can’t stop.

Unless of course you’ve got a cigar handy, in which case… I’ll finish exhorting you some other time.  Right now — I’ve got bad decisions to make (and later: regret!)

Tags: cigarettes, electronic cigarette, smokers, smoking

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 14th, 2010 at 12:10 pm and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.