In Briefs: The Five People You’d Banish

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: If you could pick 5 celebrities, politicians, otherwise well-known people to send to a deserted island and never be heard from, who would you send?

JILLIAN LOVEJOY LOWERY: This is hard. There are so many that I strongly dislike. And there are others that I dislike more (like Palin), but their entertainment value is high, so I kind of don’t want them banished.

My Banish List:
Gilbert Gottfried
Jay Leno
Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Michael Vick
Ryan Seacrest

CHRIS PUMMER: I’d put Pauly Shore on the list, but I think he’s already there. I don’t even see that guy giving commentaries on VH1 “Best of Whatever” shows. And those are sort of the death throes of fame.

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Wow, Michael Vick is a good one. I might have to use that. And Jay Leno is good too! I do sort of want to banish Palin, but I almost think she hurts the right as much or more than she helps them, so I see your point on that. Actually, no. I want her gone. She just bumped Joe Lieberman off the list.

Here’s my list:

Dick Cheney
Jodi Picoult (Stop writing books! Just stop!)
Sarah Palin
Joe Lieberman
Chris Brown (go finish your community service in the salt mines on Banished Island)

Lieberman! That’s an excellent one.

I knew someone would mention Pauley Shore, and that makes me sad. Son-in-Law was funny, and I’ve had a crush on him ever since. I’m not ashamed.

HOWARD MEGDAL: Wow, I’ve always thought about this in reverse- the small group of people I’d take with me to the island, leaving the rest of the world on their own.
The major stumbling blocks have always been: lack of access to NY Times and major league baseball.
But with the internet…
Still, I will come up with my own list and submit shortly.

TED BERG: Gilbert Gottfried? That’s fucked up, man.

Glenn Beck
Carlos Mencia
Shane Victorino
Jim Boeheim

JILLIAN LOVEJOY LOWERY: Oh, but he’s so annoying. I would swap him out for Lieberman, though. Or Bono. I can’t believe I forgot Bono.

TED BERG: I’m so happy that Bono-bashing has become more mainstream. I feel like I was one of the first conductors of the anti-Bono railroad.

Can we come to some consensus that Bono needs to be banished? I bet if we got enough people to agree to it, we could really throw it in his face. Hey Bono, you’re supposed to be a man of the people, right? Well, the people say you should go fuck yourself, you self-righteous clown.

I really can’t stand that he gets to write NY Times editorials whenever the crap he wants and about whatever the eff he feels like. And he’s wearing sunglasses in his byline picture. Bono, you are not John Lennon. Unless you have some sort of eye disease and can’t look at light (in which case I am sorry) TAKE THEM OFF.

JILLIAN LOVEJOY LOWERY: Seriously, when did he go from an aging rock star to some sort of self-declared superhero? Any why are people buying it?

TED BERG: I don’t think Howard’s “small group of people I’d take to an Island” scenario works, because clearly the best way to play that is to just take five incredibly hot members of whatever sex you’re attracted to. Send me to an island with Scarlett Johannsen, Katy Perry, Beyonce, Freida Pinto and Rory from the Gimore Girls (what of it? she’s cute as shit) and we’ll see what happens.

HOWARD MEGDAL: At the risk of seeming unmanly, man cannot live by sex appeal alone. You also aren’t considering the long-term, if they age poorly.
There’s lots of things to bring to the island- appropriate music, a range of books (though ideally, the Kindle really cuts down on shipping costs), sunscreen (imagine getting there, getting settled, only to die of skin cancer!) etc.
And as discussed previously, I need a bigger lottery win to make this happen, since I’ll need to not only buy the island, but also a major league team.
It’s just a lot more complicated that the Five Hot People You’d Like to Meet in Bed (Mitch Albom’s greatest book, I’m guessing.)

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Ted, what if you could be on an island with those five hot women, but you also had to share it with the 5 people you’d banish?

(Glenn Beck, Carlos Mencia, Shane Victorino, Bono, Jim Boeheim)

Now THAT is a reality show I’d watch. Even if it were just those five women, Ted, and Bono, it would be awesome.

TED BERG: I am confident in my ability to woo beautiful women simply by not being Bono. I like to think those fine ladies have better taste than that.

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