DISCOURSE ON BILLY MAYS’S LEGACY!

HOWARD MEGDAL: HI! HOWARD MEGDAL HERE! DID YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF ENJOYING THE HARMONIOUS RHYTHMS OF A BASEBALL GAME IN THE EVENING, WINDING DOWN AFTER A LONG DAY OF PEOPLE NOT SHOUTING AT YOU, AND WISH THAT SOMEONE WOULD JUST SCARE THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF YOUR CATS WHILE SELLING PRODUCTS OF DUBIOUS VALUE?!?

WELL, I NEVER DID! BUT NOW I MIGHT! BECAUSE WE LOST PITCHMAN BILLY MAYS THIS WEEKEND TO HEART DISEASE! HE WAS 50!

MAYS CAME UP THROUGH THE CARNIVAL BARKER TRADITION, LEARNING HIS TRADE OF LOUDLY ENTREATING PEOPLE TO WASTE THEIR MONEY IN ATLANTIC CITY, WHICH SEEMS A BIT LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY! BECAUSE BABIES ARE WEAK, AND CAN’T RUN AFTER YOU ONCE YOU STEAL CANDY FROM THEM! ALSO, THEIR DECISION-MAKING SKILLS ARE QUITE UNDEVELOPED! SO IT’S THAT EASY!

MAYS HAD BEEN ON A TURBULENT FLIGHT AND GOTTEN HIT IN THE HEAD DURING THE LANDING! BUT HE WAS OKAY! AS HE SAID, ‘I’VE GOT A HARD HEAD!’” HE SAID HE WAS FINE! BUT HE WASN’T! MAKES YOU WONDER JUST HOW EFFECTIVE OXICLEAN REALLY IS!

MAYS WAS A ONE-OF-A-KIND, AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE MOST OTHER COMMERCIALS THAT CAME ON DURING METS GAMES DIDN’T HAVE AN ALARMING EFFECT ON MY CATS! WE WILL NEVER SEE HIS LIKES AGAIN, SINCE IN THIS INTERNET AGE, SHOUTING HAS GIVEN WAY TO SUBTLE MARKETING, AND CRUELTY TO ANIMALS IS MORE OR LESS GOING OUT OF STYLE!

I’M HOWARD MEGDAL, AND I GUARANTEE IT!

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JILLIAN LOVEJOY LOWERY: HAVE YOU EVER FELT SO HUNG OVER THAT YOU WANTED TO DIE??? BEEN SO QUEASY THAT YOU COULDN’T STAND UP STRAIGHT???? HAD SUCH A THROBBING HEADACHE THAT ANYTHING OVER A WHISPER MADE YOUR EYES BULGE OUT?!?!?!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO HUNG OVER THAT ALL YOU WANTED TO DO WAS NAP/PASS OUT ON THE COUCH FOR THE BETTER PART OF THE DAY, WITH LIFETIME MOVIES ON IN THE BACKGROUND??????

IF YOU ANSWERED YES, THEN YOU KNOW THAT BILLY MAYS WAS ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE, ALBEIT JARRING, ALARM CLOCKS OF ALL TIME!

NOW THAT BILLY MAYS HAS PASSED AWAY, WHO IS GOING TO PERIODICALLY WAKE ME UP FROM MY POST-DRUNKEN STUPORS?

BILLY MAYS AFFECTED MY LIFE IN A PROFOUND WAY! I NEVER PURCHASED A SHAMWOW, BUT AFTER HE ROUSED ME FROM MY GIN-INDUCED SEMI-COMAS, I’D REMEMBER TO TRY TO EAT A ROLL AND CHOKE DOWN SOME SOUP! I NEVER USED OXICLEAN, BUT WITHOUT MAYS’S LOUD YAP, I WOULD HAVE SLEPT THROUGH SUNDAY DINNER PLANS – PROBABLY UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING!

THE SILENCE WILL BE DEAFENING! WITHOUT NEW BILLY MAYS ADS TO STARTLE ME OUT OF MY SLUMBER, I WILL SURELY BECOME AN EVEN LESS PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY! AND THAT COULD BE PROBLEMATIC! MAYS WAS GUARANTEED TO GET MY LAZY ASS OFF THE COUCH, NO MATTER WHAT!

HOPE YOU REST IN PEACE, BILLY MAYS! NOW I FINALLY CAN!

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