JOCELYN HOPPA: Alright, kids. It’s the 84th Academy Awards. I’ve got a bag of bold party Chex Mix and a sharpened tongue… let’s do this. Who will win? What will they say? What pills will they have ingested beforehand? It’s thrilling. Please feel free to pontificate on the finer (and not so finer points) of this annual film celebration in the comments section below, as it’s really all just commentary.
For now, before the show kicks off, I am just sitting here eating my salt bag and watching E!, mostly in dismay of Kelly Osbourne’s non-color of hair as she herself pontificates on the finer (and not so finer points) of other’s outfits as they walk down the red carpet. The Golden Girls were always cool in my book, but never as a fashion statement. I’m pretty sure no one in the history of mankind ever thought to themselves, “Hey, you know what? Bea Arthur would’ve looked pretty rad with some forearm tattoos. Change that blue-gray hair to pink-gray? Yeah, can’t wait for that to make it’s way to masses.”
Anyway, we’re just a few minutes away, so stay tuned!
HOWARD MEGDAL: Bradley Cooper, the 80s called. It wants your mustache back.
NAVA BRAHE: Been clicking on the arrivals on People.com. So far, my best dressed are Meryl, Glenn and Bo Derek. The “older” ladies are blowing away the young’uns in the dress department for what it’s worth.
HOWARD MEGDAL: I thought Gweneth Paltrow was classic.
NAVA BRAHE: Agreed, Howard. She’s very elegant and “old Hollywood.”
HOWARD MEGDAL: Natalie Portman: Good for the Jews.
NAVA BRAHE: I’m sorry – Angelina looks like she took Miss Ellen’s portiers, dyed them black and haphazardly wrapped them around herself.
JOCELYN HOPPA: “Don’t Trust the ‘B’ in Apartment 3″… Hey, a situational comedy that takes place in an apartment building hasn’t actually been named after the apartment number!
HOWARD MEGDAL: Saying B when you mean Bitch is apparently the new lady from Whitney.
Hugo was a beautiful film, and though I loved The Artist, I can totally see this one winning for best cinematography.
NAVA BRAHE: I’ve seen exactly none of the contenders this year, but this HAS to be the best moment of the show so far.
JOCELYN HOPPA: “Forget how technology is helping pave the way for future movie money making, which pays for our giant houses and Botox… let’s all go the movies!” – Billy Crystal
I feel like we’re all watching some sort of swan song for the movies… anyone else getting that?
HOWARD MEGDAL: It isn’t upbeat at all, very true.
Speaking of not upbeat, A Separation. But that was probably the best film I saw in the last year.
JOCELYN HOPPA: Gotta love how they pan to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt when something remotely political happens…
HOWARD MEGDAL: I assume the same thing happens the first time an Oscar goes to a baby.
JOCELYN HOPPA: I can’t believe “Drive” didn’t get nominated for anything. Was one of the best movies all saw all year. Even with Ryan Gosling and his lazy, sexy eye.
JESSICA BADER: The Muppets, as usual, are the best part of anything they’re involved in.
HOWARD MEGDAL: This entire Cirque piece feels like I did when drunken relatives lifted me on the chair at my Bar Mitzvah.
JESSICA BADER: Whoever was responsible for that Robert Downey jr/Gwyneth documentary skit deserves to be tarred and feathered.
Letting Chris Rock on stage is just going to make everyone under the age of 50 wish he was hosting.
JOCELYN HOPPA: Alright, supporting role for men…. I’m shooting for Nick Nolte.
Well, ooookay. I suppose Christopher Plummer winning is alright.
HOWARD MEGDAL: I didn’t love Beginners, but I loved Plummer in that role.
Oh, guess Woody Allen is so over! He hasn’t won an Oscar in 45 seconds!
Take that, haters.
We are very fortunate to be living in a time when Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen are still making films. The Artist probably deserved this, though.
JOCELYN HOPPA: Patton Oswalt should host the Oscars. END SCENE.
Alright… Streep is always a good bet.
HOWARD MEGDAL: Really thought it should have been Michelle Williams, but I have NO objection to Meryl Streep winning anything at any time.
JOCELYN HOPPA: OH NO… TOM CRUISE… NOOOOOOO!
JESSICA BADER: Wow, things ran over by less than 10 minutes. Wonder what the Vegas line was on that.
HOWARD MEGDAL: Any Oscar night that ends with a thank you to Billy Wilder got something right. Goodnight, everybody!