Scientology: Too Serious or Not Serious Enough?

DAVE TOMAR: Alright, so stop me if you’ve heard this one before.  A priest, a rabbi and an immortal meat-body space-alien Thetan spirit walk into a bar . . . well, you know how the rest goes.  Long story short, the Thetan says, why would I want a 3 inch pianist?

I have to say, it’s always a bummer to find out that a celebrity you respected from afar has been taken in by the Church of Scientology.  Frankly, I could give a shit if John Travolta, Juliette Lewis and Kirstie Allie hang out in oxygen bars auditing each other with E-Meters.  Famous people are generally supposed to find stupid ways to redistribute their excessive earnings back into the economy.   And I also think that as a general rule, cult recruiting far too often targets the desperately poor, lonely or unhappy.  It’s almost refreshing that this particular cult is so devoted to exploiting the wealthy, socialized and unhappy instead.

But those of us who will recall the most ignoble demise of Chef on South Park do understand that something is at stake in this approach.  To refresh you on the saga briefly; Isaac Hayes was a longstanding and brilliant installation as the wise and womanizing Chef on the iconic animated series.  After actively participating in any number of episodes which reveled in the unflinching portrayal of Jesus getting punched in the face, Cartman drinking semen ‘from a hose,’ a giant pile of naked men screwing and live footage of a vaginoplasty operation (to name just a few) Hayes balked at the release of an episode featuring fellow Scientologists Tom Cruise and John Travolta as poorly closeted homosexuals who were clearly hiding from their true identities.

When creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone ultimately decided to air the episode, Hayes quit the show.  South Park responded with a blistering episode in which Chef, brainwashed by a ‘fruity little club,’ becomes a child molester who is subsequently chewed apart by a pack of wild animals before soiling himself.  I assume the now deceased Isaac Hayes did not find this amusing.

As point of fact, Scientologists find nothing amusing.  As a Jew, I view idea that you can’t make fun of your own ‘religion’ as preposterous.  If I had a penny for every Jew joke I ever told. . . well you could be sure I’d be frugal with them.

You have to assume that there is a fundamental insecurity that comes with subscription to a religion that defends its realness by way of its tax exempt status.  Incidentally, this is a status which it gained only by undertaking the longest lawsuit against the IRS in U.S. history.  I would take a wild guess that the massive legal fees amassed were paid through the tuition that is required for members of the religion to achieve enlightenment, or through the empire of books and tapes composed by L. Ron Hubbard which are driven by the primal command that thou shalt not purchase any alternative texts, secondary readings or other sources that don’t have a cash relationship with the Church of Scientology.

The bottom line is that you really do have to be a rich, famous person to afford the best scientology.   Many of the secrets of observance are quite closely guarded until one has spent the requisite sum of money to be enlightened.  I presume these secrets are the funniest of all of them.  But when you look at the Isaac Hayes situation, or when you consider individuals like Beck, Jason Lee or Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson), it seems almost as if scientology has the capacity to take our celebrities away from us.  Not that we’re not grateful for the loss of Tom Cruise.  But the Beck of Odelay is truly dead.   In its place is the super-serious and surprisingly bland guy that Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips identifies as a substance-less jerk.  I have no proof that it’s scientology’s fault, but it does follow a pattern of empty-headed scriptural indoctrination that deprives its members entitlement to personal interpretation.

That’s a shame because even the slightest personalization might reveal scientology to be hilarious in concept, practice and principle. But maybe it’s a reciprocal thing.  Maybe scientologists are naturally humorless people who have found refuge and resonance amongst a bunch of defensive, litigious pricks.  I always thought Jason Lee was hilarious in Kevin Smith’s films.  But it doesn’t make him bright.  He can deliver a scripted line but I bet in person, it’s all Xenu-this, the Path to Total Freedom-that.  I don’t know.  Maybe they’re not dumb, maybe they’re brainwashed like Bob Dylan and his short-lived superlove for Jesus.

Allegedly, Fox News talking head and rotting corpse, Greta Van Susteren is also a scientologist.  Can anyone afford to be that ugly and, simultaneously, that stupid.  When Bijou Phillips tells you she’s a scientologist, at least you can say, “you’re lucky you’ve got looks, kid.”  I guess we’ll have to wait until they pull somebody in with real and undiluted talent to know.

At the moment though, I think scientology has a real PR problem on its hands.  I’ve personally never heard a successful sermon that didn’t have a golf joke or an allegory about chafing in the desert for 40 years.  If Scientology wants to make that leap from cult to religion like, say, Mormonism, it had better get handy with the one-liner.  Joseph Smith was oft-reported to quip to a friend, “take my wives . . . please.”  Hell, they say Jim Jones was a stitch around the punch bowl.

If scientology doesn’t change its attitude, it is doomed to spend its future preying on celebrities that we find easy to dismiss.  Go out and brainwash me a David Letterman or a Larry David, then we’ll talk.  Until then, the only way to interpret the degree to which the Church of Scientology openly, aggressively and often in court settings will take pains to prevent all jokes at its expense is to presume that its creators and beneficiaries wish to avoid the type of reflection, discourse and scrutiny that well-played humor will thrust upon its target.

HOWARD MEGDAL: While Dave makes important points regarding ways the Church of Scientology can improve its image through responding to its critics with humor, this doesn’t really address the heart of the problem. Ultimately, Scientology is held back by a simple inability for most to take its tenets seriously.

However, there is little reason to believe that it is simply basic beliefs that keep people from either buying in or respecting those that do. Let’s face it: if realism was required for ideas to be taken seriously, we wouldn’t have seen the mass appeal of Christianity, supply-side economics, or Ashlee Simpson.

Instead, what Scientology needs are some who will vouch for it with gravitas. In much the same way Barack Obama’s campaign had white people reach into communities that would otherwise have been susceptible to the Muslim smears and old-school racist appeals, Scientology needs people who seem thoughtful and not crazy.

As such, the celebrities brainwashed are all wrong for the task. Sorry, but Tom Cruise and John Travolta aren’t getting it done. The former is best known for jumping on a sofa and singing in his underwear. The latter is known for dancing in a disco and antagonizing Gabe Kaplan. Are you going to buy a prevailing view of the universe from either man?

The shame of Alec Guinness’s death in 2000 is that he’d be absolutely perfect for the role. He has authority, he was Carrie Fisher’s only hope back before she passed her sell-by date… he’s a knight, for goodness sake! Still, there are Guinness-esque sorts still out there. Sidney Poitier is still alive, I’m pretty sure. Who wouldn’t trust The Man Who Came to Dinner? He won over Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn!

Of course, there’s the Sidney Poitier of the political world as well, and that’s Barack Obama. While the fact that he’s always been a Christian could be a problem, it could also be win-win. Scientology gets the greatest political leader of our generation, and Obama gets to completely repudiate Reverend Wright once and for all. One can easily picture the advertisements- a man walking hand-in-hand with an extra-terrestrial under the banner “Aliens We Can Believe In”, or the radio tagline, “Yes we can punch psychiatrists in the face.”

Of course, if Obama won’t bite and you want to reach across racial barriers, there’s always Wesley Snipes. I understand he’s very susceptible to financially irresponsible decisions.

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16 Responses to Scientology: Too Serious or Not Serious Enough?

  1. Lilly von Marcab says:

    There is actually a LOT more wrong with Scientology than its alien warlords and outer space onsense. Did you know about Scientology’s “Fair Game”policy, in which any critic of Scientology “may be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed”; its “Disconnection” policy, which breaks apart families when Scientologists completely “disconnect” from loved ones who are concerned about them; its practice of coercing abortions in women serving in Scientology’s paramilitary group called the “Sea Org”; its internal carceral gulag called the “Rehabilitation Project Force,” where dissident or disaffected Sea Org members serve at hard labor for months or even years;

    All of these policies and practices exist and are well-documented. They are real.

    Although Scientology tries to put a glossy, happy spin on every little thing they do, that’s all it is: A glossy, happy spin. Everything Scientology does is a means to an end. Their primary goal is to “clear the planet” of all non-Scientologists. Gays, Lesbians and other “perverts” (sic), and anyone else refusing to be a Scientologist, should be quarantined in a re-education camp until they are willing to be “normal,” or “disposed of quietly and without sorrow.”

    A key element of Scientology’s plan is to “obliterate psychiatry.” Why? Because 75 million years ago in a distant galaxy an evil dictator named Xenu got the help of psychiatrists in tricking billions of beings into income tax inspections, which led to them being frozen, stacked inside space planes, dropped into volcanoes, etc. etc. etc.

    It’s completely insane and idiotic, yes, but it’s a lot more than that. It’s also dangerous.

    Anyone who wishes to learn more about the Scientology criminal organization can learn the facts at,, and

  2. Telly Bumsquat says:

    There is a Catch-22 in finding THOUGHTFUL people, let alone celebrities, who are Scientologists. There aren’t any. Scientologists don’t think, they do.

    The basis for being a Scientologist is allowing oneself to be brainwashed with their methods, and accepting every word of a documented pathological liar’s words as “source,” which for them means true. And for a Scientologist, that not only means believing Hubbard knew all the secrets of the mind, but also all the secrets of the Universe, including how to become more intelligent/educated without going to school, and how to best run a business or a government.

    Unlike a real religion, where people are expected to believe supernatural things on faith, Scientology brainwashes members to believe it is “scientific,” “tech,” and factual, that they actually have super powers over matter, energy, time and space (MEST) when they reach a certain level. Or that their fabricated, fanciful version of Hubbard’s life is valid, because it is effective in attracting new members, real facts be damned. Instead of mere faith, Scientologists claim to “know.” This level of delusion is well beyond being “thoughtful.”

    Forget “thoughtful,” perhaps Scientology should start with making their leader, Miscavige, or their two main celebrity shills, Cruise and Travolta, finish high school.

  3. DonaldMyers says:


    The Montreal Gazette has taken notice of Anonymous’ protesting of a Citizen’s Commission on Human Rights exhibit at the Concordia University, which is currently on display at the McConnell library building:

    “…Never mind the merits of an idea; when it is denounced anonymously, it’s the critics who seem sinister…Their vehemence suggests that they are capable of disproving some of Scientology’s claims… Trying to suppress ideas you don’t like perverts a university’s role.”

    Trying to understand things from Anonymous’ point of view reveals only the well understood notion that human beings seem genetically hardwired for hatred:

    “…Humans seem to have a powerful impulse to silence those we consider malicious, misguided, or dangerous. But it turns out that suppression of ideas is what’s really the most misguided – and in the long run the most dangerous.”

  4. DonaldMyers says:

    The “Anti-Scientology Racket”, as it’s known to insiders, profits tremendously from media attention. This explains why the most prominent members of the Anti-Scientology movements are failed entertainers. It certainly explains why they would relish an opportunity to hate on a religion known for its celebrity membership.

    Most of the time, these haters are completely ignored by the media. This is because they don’t really have any way of substantiating any of their claims. It’s all hearsay, apostate testimony, conspiracy boilerplate, and demagogic fear mongering.

    So every once in a while, whenever a “critic” is experiencing a diminished sense of self-importance, he or she will go get arrested. If you look into their histories, you’ll see that getting arrested is both career launching, and career revitalizing for every single one of these purveyors of hate.

    This also explains how these “critics” have managed to paint up the Church up as “litigious.” For decades these people have been manufacturing a straw man to collectively attack, and profit off of. The term “vampire” comes to mind. Their predation has a cold and calculated quality which I find disturbing. It’s like trying to get into the minds of a group of gang-rapists—they don’t care how much harm they do, so long as they “get some”.

    Mark Bunker provoked his own arrest by pointing his camera in the face of an arresting officer, and insultingly insinuating that the officer was “…in the pockets of Scientology” as another protester was being apprehended. I will not name the other one who was arrested because I don’t want to help his career.

    In the case of “Anon-Orange” it was determined that he provoked an arrest by both yelling “FUCK YOU” repeatedly to security guards (this was caught on film), and also by biting the security guard making the citizen’s arrest.

    Tommy Gorman attempted to provoke fights with Scientologists, both online and in the streets. He and his wife Jennifer, in a recent attempt at getting the attention of Anonymous, trashed their mobile home and attempted to blame the Church of Scientology for it. He has not been arrested, and therefore, you probably don’t know who he is.

    The failed comedian and Anonymous hate group leader Donald “the Angry Gay Pope” Myers started sexually harassing parishioners, both male and female, until he was served a restraining order. His newly found Internet fame has landed him a poorly conceived website (with a donation button) and a career as a full time “Anonymous” member.

    Stu Wyatt, a very violent Anti-Scientology activist and all around sleaze, cemented his place as an icon to Anti-Scientology activists everywhere by getting arrested in the midst of generating a great deal of drama when he started videotaping his verbal abuse of Scientology staff members. Although to be fair, he didn’t get himself arrested–I was behind that. It did, however, boost his popularity. I called him a sleaze because, as I documented before, Stu tried to use his e-fame to seduce a minor. I do recall feeling a little bit remorseful after placing the anonymous tip off to the local police that Stu was hoarding lots of marijuana in his flat, but his actions towards that innocent girl provided all the justification I needed.

    The very disingenuous Captain Adderal stalks female parishioners and combines the resultant footage with pornographically themed video footage, posting the horrendous results on the Internet. His most famous one entitled “Scilon Lesbians: Disconnected from Love”, included the unwitting participation of female employees of the Citizens Commission for Human Right’s headquarters. He wears a Guy Fawkes mask, attends Anonymous protests, and regularly visits Anonymous websites, yet, despite all of this, he maintains that he is not a member of Anonymous. The Captain hasn’t seen the inside of a prison cell yet, but I’m working on it…..

    “Epic Nose Guy” was arrested after refusing to comply with the officers overseeing the protest/ hate rally he attended. He brandished a sign with the word “CULT”, even after the police told the protesters that the Church members found that epithet offensive and misleading. You can learn more about Epic Nose Guy by going to and searching the archives.

    Early in her Anti-Scientology career, Tory Magoo had herself arrested at a picket. It was a defining moment for her and, as a Public Relations expert for over 20 years, she probably understood the power of negative publicity better than any of the others.

    This is not an attempt at a comprehensive overview of all of the arrests, nor of all the major media events generated by the Anti-Scientology Racket, but these are some of the clearest examples of activists becoming nuisances in order to become martyrs. It’s a brilliant, albeit dishonest tactic.

    But what else would you expect from a network of con-artists and wannabes?

  5. DonaldMyers says:

    Apr 17, 2009

    Anonymous members frequently cite “Fair Game” as the reason for wearing those ridiculous masks. This term refers to the Church of Scientology’s alleged tactics for handling their critics. However, despite what the critics of the Church profess to believe about “Fair Game,” it never actually happens. Without exception, all instances of the Church’s supposedly litigious nature can in fact be demonstrated to have been provoked by the very radical extremists themselves.

    Being sued by the Church is a badge of honor among these hateful and deceitful activists. In fact, there is NOTHING the Church is reputed to do to their critics which Anonymous hasn’t already done to many random and not so random individuals (Do a Google search of Hatch Mckay and Anonymous and see what turns up).

    Anonymous is a hypocritical hate group. Members do exactly the types of things they claim the Church does. This is a demonstrable fact, as all non-Anonymous readers of this blog can attest. The true reason they hide behind their masks is because they don’t want to be connected to hate crimes, cyber-bullying, and child porn.

    Here’s a recent thread at one of their sites where members are discussing the fact that “Fair Game” doesn’t ever really happen:

    Another salient fact: thousands of Anonymous members live in places where masked protests are not permitted. Combine this with the dozens of anti-Scientology authors, prominent critics, and various un-anonymous Internet activists, such as Donald “The Angry Gay Pope” Mires and, to any thinking person anyway, there is no reason to believe that there is any danger whatsoever in being a religious bigot with a gripe against Scientology. That is, if one is committed to legal and ethical behavior.

  6. DonaldMyers says:

    Anonymous is an international group dedicated to destroying Scientology. Its public face is a group of young adults who picket the churches around the world wearing masks and costumes. The most common mask in the US and the UK is the Guy Fawkes mask from the movie V is for Vendetta. In Germany, the image is far more ominous. More and more often the imagery used is from the Nazi movement of the 1930s and ´40s and sometimes mixed with Islamists from the Middle East.”

    “If one goes to the Encyclopedia Dramatica online and looks through their alphabetical listing “Heil Lutz” will appear. Clicking on that link will take the curious to a page with a film of a WWII Nazi march”

  7. DonaldMyers says:


    Gross. A half naked, vasoline slicked Anonymous member covers himself in the pubic hair of the rest of the guys—before sneaking into the back door of a Church of Scientology, and “dry humping” a pile of books, smearing vasoline, toe nails, and pubic hairs all over it.

    Is this free speech activism? I don’t think so.

  8. Artoo45 says:

    One of the better summations of the cult I’ve seen in years. Kudos to Messrs. Tomar and Megdal. And kudos for attracting one of the new, super-aggressive-yet-”reasonable”-sounding OSA trolls with their plaintive message of victimization. “DonaldMyers” is proving your point about the utter humorlessness of the cult and its minions in spades.

  9. none given says:

    Here’s one: Whats the difference between scientology and the mafia?
    The mafia has a rule against killing you in church.

    And for star trek fans: What do you get when you cross a Ferengi with a Borg?
    A scientologist.

    How many scientologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Only one but it costs $400,000 and if he talks to any of the unchanged lightbulbs they have to start over.

    A priest, a baptist minister and a Class V auditor bump into each other on the Golden gate bridge.
    The auditor take a bottle of valuim out of his pocket and throws it off the bridge. He says “To many psych drugs in the world.”
    The minister takes a crack pipe out of his pocket and throws it off the bridge and says “To many street drugs in the ghetto”
    The priest pulls out a bottle of wine. Hits the auditor over the head with it and shoves him off the bridge. He says “To many scientologists in California.”

  10. none given says:

    Donald Meyer.

    Yes people mock you. They act in disgusting ways toward you. The most agressive are the ex scientologists. Most people think you are just silly and weird. The people from inside your cult keep telling us you are criminal and a danger to the rest of us.
    Go to exscientologykids to see what people who were born into the cult and escaped have to say.

    Fair game is not what it used to be. When you were convicted of breaking into goverment offices and stealing documents, When you were convicted of stalking and harassing writers and others who were critical of you you were feared.

    Those days are gone. Your Office of Special Affairs is not a threat to anyone anymore. Nothing is left to protect you from the pointing, laughing kids.
    Take your shame and your failure and shut up.

  11. Telly Bumsquat says:

    And oh yeah, I agree that Scientologists lack humor, especially about themselves. Instead, they take on the pathological quirks, and insane determination of their founder, L. Ron Hubbard, but without his sense of humor, since he was known to laugh at the gullibility of his own dupes. (As told to close associates, and recounted in Russell Miller’s BARE-FACED MESSIAH.)

    When Scientology “fair games” its critics, they lack humor too. Their pursuit of critics ranges from nonsensical (some posts above be Scilon troll) to deadly. If the critic is important enough, and accessible enough (they didn’t Fair Game Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes, not accessible) in their minds, they always try to find what they call a person’s “ruin.”

    In Paulette Cooper’s case, her ruin was being a woman living alone, since she is extremely intelligent, well educated, with no background of arrests or drug use etc. So, for Paulette writing a book about Scientology, the cult tried to drive her insane or have her put in prison for the rest of her life, and frame her for being a “criminal,” which in their definition is a person critical about Scientology. They believe anyone writing articles about the Scientology scam, should only use unrestricted praise and respect. Right, respect for their tax status.

    As cult spokesliar Tommy Davis says, why isn’t anyone interested in all the WONDERFUL things that Scientology does? Uhhh, would it be that there aren’t any? When they do nice things, it is just for propaganda purposes, to suck more people into the cult.

    Keep in mind that in the hundreds of articles written about Scientology, by investigative journalists over the years, THEY HAVE ALL found that Scientology runs a shady money-sucking racket, more than what could be described as a religion. Of course, for that reason, Scientologists believe anyone who is critical of Scientology for any reason is a CRIMINAL. That is hard coded into their brainwashing. Same with all the craziness about psychiatrists.

    I wish it were true that Scientology used only celebrities for their unlimited financial resources, gullibility and lack of education, but unfortunately, for every million donated by a celebrity dupe, Scientology makes millions more off people who are drawn to Scientology because they admire a celebrity, and we live in a celebrity-obsessed culture. Instead of seeing Tom Cruise as a shallow underwear dancer, high school dropout, some foolish people think Tom Cruise may be successful because of Scientology. They think, “I can be successful too, with Scientology.” Even if it is only one percent of the population who worships a celebrity, well, Scientology makes good money from that one percent, who likes to try everything their favorite celebrity is doing.

    Scientology will suck them for all they are worth. Even if they don’t have the requisite $50,000 or so, to get a good start in the cult, it is okay, because Scientology will employ them as slave labor and do everything they can to keep them trapped for years. If employees get old or sick, or require expensive hospitalization, Scientology offloads them.

    However, Tom Cruise stepped over the line when he started a-jumpin’ and a-talkin’ too much about what he believes. That is what is driving the cult into the ground, along with Anonymous bringing greater attention to the cult.

    Back to the “ruin” issue. As far as our ruin, for writing about the cult, with humor and truth, well, about the most they have to offer is to sic a nutty troll or two on the message board, who tend to make insane arguments, adding more anecdotal evidence to the fact that Scientology and its defenders are kind of nuts, uneducated, or pathetic.

    Praise Xenu!

  12. Max Champion says:

    You guys rock! Thanks for a good laugh.

    Apologies for my colleagues (above) who got straight into “destroying-totalitarian-cult” mode AND FORGOT THE LULZ!

    Thankfully, “DonaldMyers” didn’t disappoint. I lol’d throughout his posts. I especially love the reference to “Stu Wyatt, a very violent Anti-Scientology activist”. Brilliant! He just forgot to mention that Stu is confined to a motorized scooter due to chronic and debilitating illness. Doh! You scallywag, DonaldMyer! There’s a top pic of Stu “Killdozer” Wyatt here:

    A couple of short videos that you might enjoy. The first is Boogaloo Xenu – you’ll want to bookmark this one: . The second is a very short tribute to the cult leader, and Tom Cruise’s BFF, David Miscavige. It’s his birthday on Thursday, so make him happy by knowing you’re all learning a LITTLE more about him, won’t you? –

    Oh, and I mustn’t leave without a joke:

    A 9-year-old walked into a Church of Scientology…
    At 9 she was on staff. At 10 she was fulltime. At 12, her parents signed over guardianship to Scientology and she left home, signing a one billion year contract to work for the cult. At 16, she was married. At 17 – coerced into an abortion because having a child would be “unethical” as it would interfere with her work for the “church”. Finally, she took a swig of bleach and spat it out so they’d think she was suicidal and let her leave.

    The punchline: Laura DeCrescenzo v. Church of Scientology International. LOL!
    Laura’s story in her own words:
    The complaint:

  13. qweezyq says:

    Dear Mr. DonaldMyer,

    I am very interested in joining your cult. Please advise. I don’t have much money to offer, but I am willing to not think for myself and become Tom Cruise’ personal slave.

  14. lauren says:

    This is a interesting write up but I have to ask, Scientology is still a growing and successful religion. I have to state that I am NOT a scientologist. My religious background is Baptist. After hours of research for college course, I have to say that Scientology is in fact a religion. I’ve also found that over time the media loves to pick different religions to build buzz around. A few years back it was Islamic faith do the “The War on Terror”, before then it was Catholic Ministers and their love of children (child molestation). It seems that it is Scientology turn this time around. In addition Anonymous gained media attention surrounding anti-demonstrations. Before Anonymous had a bad rep as a organization of spammers.
    (See links below)

    Epilepsy Foundation forum invasion –

    Defacement of SOHH and AllHipHop websites –

    After researching many religions I have found that it is sad to see Americans yet again bashing a religion because it has different practices. If people research like I have you will find that this is nothing new. From the Pilgrims to American Baptist to Native American Spiritual practices, and many more, Americans have always battled religion. It seems that Americans are becoming Atheist.

  15. lauren says:

    I honestly think people should have the rights to practice what they want to. People will always have something negative and positive to say about religions. Plus if a religion is not appealing then it will fade on its own. Scientology is not fading and it is growing members. I believe that if you do not believe in Scientology then ignore it. Allow people to find the facts on their own.

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