HOWARD MEGDAL: I must take issue with critics of President Obama on the right who have called for Bo Obama to withdraw from consideration as White House Dog because he has not paid taxes.
Much as Kathleen Sibelius is the perfect fit for Secretary of Health and Human Services, and Hilda Solis Doyle has just the right experience to be Secretary of Labor, we must overlook Bo’s tax profligacy and outrageous wardrobe as we face this defining moment in history. I can only assume that much as Timothy Geitner had the specific expertise with Wall Street required of a Treasury Secretary, Bo Obama possesses the unconditional love required of a country badly wounded by the recent mistakes of his predecessor-after all, Bo’s first owner returned him because of excessive suckling.
We are not living in peacetime, nor do we find ourselves in flush economic conditions. As such, the White House Dog must not be learning on the job. After all, some fire hydrants must be soiled at 3 a.m. It is not possible for Bo to give up digging for that bone if Malia and Sasha want it-the smiles of those two little girls are all the country has right now.
Bo Obama comes from solid dog stock. He is the brother of Ted Kennedy’s dog, Cappy. Bo’s Massachusetts-inflected bark will remind us that all things are possible, as they were in the time of the Kennedys, to go to the moon, to stare down the the barrel of nuclear war with the Soviets and come out safely on the other side, and to never, ever stop humping the sofa.
Bo’s Portuguese Water Dog heritage also presents a tremendous opportunity to reach out to a European community wary after eight long years of disengagement. Bo sends a message with his background, and also with his obedience training. At last, we have someone in the White House who will present his paw and shake with the world. And unlike past residents of the White House, he knows the meaning of both “stay” and “Don’t touch”.
While the Obamas could have set a positive example by adopting a shelter dog, or a dog in good standing with the IRS, the decision stays consistent with the message Barack Obama has delivered from the moment he took office. For these difficult times, not just any public servant will do. And truly, one could look into Bo Obama’s largely fur-obscured eyes, and gaze upon what can only be described as glimmers of hope. Bo is the change we have been waiting for.
Bo Obama: He Even Looks Kind of French
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Of the many grievous errors committed by the Obama family during its first several months in the White House, high on the list is their recent adoption of a purebred Portuguese Water Dog, an elitist breed if ever there was one; the sort of dog that’s born with a silver shoe in its mouth. They’ve named the little patrician “Bo”, which is likely short for ‘Boristocrat’, or ‘Bommunity Organizer’. Or perhaps, ‘ABotion.’
In any event, the Obamas claim that this newest addition was chosen because their eldest daughter, “Malia”, is “allergic to most breeds of dog”; a flimsy excuse for a politically-charged adoption which was undertaken mainly for the purposes of legally joining the Obama and Kennedy families at long last. The wishes of the dog itself, who endured a callous name-change at the hands of his new owners, were not taken into account, nor were the feelings of the millions of dogs who remain in shelters, left homeless and unadopted by the First Family.
Indeed, if Malia truly does suffer from allergies, it is President Obama’s duty to show that affliction no mercy. The United States has never negotiated with allergens, nor should it now. President Obama’s shameless devotion to the health and wellness requirements of his young children makes America look soft on terror.
Not only are average Americans up-in-arms at this favoritism; Canine-Americans are also exceedingly insulted by the Obama’s devastating slight to their homeless and shelter-dwelling brethren. In his blundering adoption of a pedigreed puppy, Obama has in effect just told Canine-Americans to roll over and play dead. Dogs of mixed descent are left to feel unrepresented, wondering sadly how they are supposed to take pride in their species, and whether they are in fact good boys after all.