The Return of Dinosaurs: Would You?

AKIE BERMISS: Some days its difficult to tell reality from fantasy.  Like when I hear real scientist using terms like “dark energy” or “dark matter” or like when US Senate Candidates are formally denying their own previous claims at having been witches, or — indeed — like when I read that Japanese scientists are intending to use the dead cells found in Woolly Mammoth egg fossils to create a living Woolly Mammoth in a lab.  Yes, what I said is true.  And it is happening.  And I don’t know whether to be terrified (Godzilla vs ??), incredulous (is this the year 2000?!!?), or just morbidly amused (Jurassic Park, anyone?).  I mean apart from the potential disasters and unforeseen results that may come of tampering with nature in this way, I find the whole concept kind of cool.  If we can make a living Woolly Mammoth is just a few years, how long before they are making dinosaurs?

Even with the best of intentions, this is the kind of technological breakthrough that is sure to lead to all sorts of trouble.  Rich people are going to want their own Wooly Mammoths to train and ride and walk like dogs.  This will lead to have-not pressure and soon people will be taking out equities against their houses in order to put a down payment on a Wooly Mammoth.  This can only lead to the kinds of conditions where some people have to use the “black market” to get their Mammoths.  And then they won’t be able to get the real mammoth tools and food and so their mammoths will break out.  And roam the countrysides. wreaking havoc.  And all will be lost

Except maybe if we pull out all the stops.  Maybe we — the human race — can’t beat a race of ornery Mammoths.  But a couple of hungry dinosaurs could probably do the trick.  Then, of course, we’re left with a surplus of extraneous dinosaurs.  We might each take  a couple for around the house or to get around on like a horse.  Maybe a few will work for the government.  And some will just stay in their parents home doing nothing.  And, probably a few of them will on the lamb.  Sounds like a problem, I know, but think about it comprehensively:  Mammoths show up.  We make dinosaurs to eat the mammoths.  Then we have too many dinosaurs.  The solution is clear: we eat the dinosaurs.

Didn’t I here somewhere that dinosaurs are more like birds than lizards.  So a T-Rex is probably just a giant chicken really.  I don’t know about you, but that sound delicious.  Imagine the drumsticks on that!  And there’d be a ton of food too.  We could probably start to make a dent in the world’s hunger problem with some righteously large broasting ceremonies.  Also, we could get creative: Applewood Smoked Raptor Bacon?!  Brontosaurus short-ribs?  I really think this could be a great move for us as a species.

I’m not saying that bigger is better.  After all, the chances of us losing control of the dinosaurs and letting them overrun our planet and destroy our way of life are pretty high.  But it certainly feeds more people.  I used to think turkey’s were big, but compared to a Stegasaurus, its ain’t nothing.

I mean, why else bring back dinosaurs?  They sucked, they were mean, loud, and dangerous and they probably haven’t gotten better with age.  But something inside of me tells me, we should cook those hocks.  And then give out a lot of tupperware.  They are probably delicious.  Now I can’t wait for the day when the dinosaurs come back.  Its sure to be a day filled with wonder and things going precisely as plan.  Yeah.

TED BERG: I’m with Akie. As far as I’m concerned, if we ever get the technology and appropriate number of DNA samples to open Jurassic Park, we absolutely should. No-brainer.

What are the possible downsides? I guess the power could go out, like it did in the movie, and a T. Rex could eat Newman. And I suppose, worst-case scenario, dinosaurs massively disrupt our global ecosystem, ultimately bringing about the end of human civilization as we know it.

But think of the possible benefits. I list:

  • We get to see dinosaurs.
  • We get to taste dinosaurs.
  • We get to ride dinosaurs*.

Like Akie said, what if it turns out dinosaurs taste good? If a brontosaurus tastes just like chicken, now you’re talking 23 metric tons of chicken. Think of how many people you could feed. How can you not do it? Do you not want to feed starving children delicious dinosaur meat?

If it comes about that dinosaurs are the dominant species and wrest away our spot at the top of the food chain, well, so be it. Dinosaurs ruled Earth way longer than we ever will; maybe they deserve a shot at a comeback.

How are you not hungry for dinosaur right now? Let’s get this done, science.

*- MAYBE.

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