Dueling Apologies: To Chris Brown/Michael Steele
The Perpetual Post has the scoop on a recently released statement from Ron Duffy, the owner of Ski Land in Miami Beach.
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: Ski Land and its affiliates are extremely saddened and distressed by the way in which the Jet Ski we provided to Chris Brown made him appear to be enjoying himself in Miami last week. As the owner and operator of Ski Land, Miami’s premier Jet Ski rental facility, I would like to apologize for this oversight. It was never our intention to harm the reputation of a valued customer, and we are deeply sorry to have caused Chris Brown to suffer due to the reactions of those who saw him having fun while riding our Jet Ski.
Please remember that although the celebrated musical star may have seemed to be smiling while riding his Jet Ski, Ski Land and its affiliates did not intend for the exhilarating sensation of skiing on top of water to interfere in any public way with Chris Brown’s emotional state, which, surely, was one of great remorse and contrition, pending the outcome of his current situation.
In Chris Brown’s defense, in my ten years of owning and operating Ski Land, I have yet to see a customer who did not smile at least once while riding one of our fine Jet Skis. Chris Brown faced nearly insurmountable odds against not enjoying himself that sunny afternoon in Miami, particularly since his plans for the rest of the evening included drinking, partying, and other penitent activities which he was clearly looking forward to not enjoying due to his profound remorse.
It is our sincere hope that with the help of his pastor, who, according to the Brown’s legal team, was Jet Skiing alongside him, Chris Brown will be able to face the difficult times ahead, while perceptibly displaying what we all know are his true feelings of heartfelt sadness and regret.
The Perpetual Post has also acquired a missive sent to Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele from America’s Trees.
HOWARD MEGDAL: On behalf of trees, bushes and shrubs all over this great land, we would like to extend our deepest apologies to Michael Steele for providing oxygen to the earth’s atmosphere, thus giving Michael Steele the ability to breathe and thus say stupid things that reflect poorly upon him.
We realize that simply inhaling and exhaling, while simply life-affirming for most people, appears to lead Steele directly toward statements, be they about Rush Limbaugh, abortion, or lamely pandering to the African-American community, that call his ability to serve as a reliable part of spirited game of Telephone, let alone as head of the RNC, into question.
We further apologize for our relatively small number, since clearly the statements recently attributed to, then apologized for by Steele are most likely the result of too much time in the hot sun. Had we been more plentiful, and thus able to protect Steele from the obviously sun-poison-induced statements, we would not be today begging for forgiveness.
We are fully aware that the price we are to pay for this, losing many of our members as ballots are printed in an election to choose Steele’s replacement, is one we brought upon ourselves.